alone in a crowd

Every now and then, I get the feeling that I’m all by myself. Oh, I go through the day, working on the house and talking to friends, family, and Tom – but somehow I feel invisible, unimportant, small.

I’m at a loss to really explain it, or even to really understand why I feel this way. Is it just the stressy little week I’ve had? Or is it some remnant of the bad old “diva” days, of the old need to be onstage and performing? I’ve tried to leave that behind, to squash the ego that seemed to keep me twisted in such knots. I keep thinking that I’ve reached some degree of serenity, of feeling centered and thus able to reach out to others.

But there’s still that corner of my soul that starts saying so softly, “what about ME?” And then it starts in, louder, more insistent, with “I need. I need. I NEED.” It thinks it wants to be fed, to have attention, to feel some spotlight, to be above everyone else and to be SPECIAL.

Grrr. I don’t like this. I don’t want it. It stresses me and strains my friendships. I want to be serene, to be strong, to be just… me. Why should I be onstage? Why should I be the center of attention? I’m just… me… and that should be plenty. What’s wrong with being part of a crowd, with going along, with fitting in?

And more importantly – how do I get back to that point? To being grounded, centered, steady? I don’t even really know what threw me off to begin with.

I’m writing this on a Sunday morning, extra early, after seeing Tom off on a business trip.

And aha! Just now, seeing the word “Sunday” shows me the path… I’ll be going to church by myself this morning, to sing in the choir as always. So. This morning I will make an extra effort to quiet myself, to listen with doubled attention, and to see what the morning brings for me to think about. I’m asking God to lay His hand on my poor needy little head, to quiet me down, to put His hands back on the reins and to lead me back where He knows I should be.

Remembering that I am a work In Progress… and remembering that, while I might be in a crowd, I’m never ever EVER alone.

Hm. Smiling again already